'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
