last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
