Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
