The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
