this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
so let's talk penis.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
