k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Randomize
