I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.