Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
