I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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