i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
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