if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
