My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
