I cut my penus on the lid.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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