About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
