My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I am naked and annoyed.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
