I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Less talking, more tequila
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
