Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize