You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
