my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
