On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
