I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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