I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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