Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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