the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
