Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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