so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
