I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
