When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
