you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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