I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
We got so high we made milksteak
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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