omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Randomize
