I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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