Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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