I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
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