Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
