John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize