Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Randomize
