Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
