Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
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