turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
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Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
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They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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