I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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