Someone shit on the floor
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
