smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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