True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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