FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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