I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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