So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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