Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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