I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
