FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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