I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
