So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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