this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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